Middle aged women are the most likely group to have ADHD and not know it. Why? I can speak from a personal level that it can be a tricky puzzle to solve. Keep reading, because it is one worth solving.
Boys who have ADHD with hyperactivity-impulsivity are the ones who are easy to spot. Remember that kid who couldn’t sit still, blurted out loudly during class, and always got in trouble? The kid who people talked about as being “hyper” or even a “brat”? We all knew one. In my day, people judged both the child and his parents for not making him mind. He probably needed a spanking. Once in awhile, there was a girl like that too. Looking back, that feels sad to me. I have seen these kids grow up into great adults, many of which are extremely talented and creative, some are very musical and artistic. I have also heard many famous celebrities talk about their childhood and how they were viewed as weird or how they were bullied or made fun of. The fact that they soldiered on and followed their dreams speaks to the strength and resiliency that folks with ADHD possess.
As a young girl, I was the daydreamer. I didn’t disrupt class or get out of my seat (although I always sat with my legs folded underneath me, which teachers did not prefer). I got in trouble for talking in class which “bothered the other children” according to my first grade teacher. I remember thinking how wrong she was about that. The other children were not complaining, and they were talking right back. I never had trouble with grades. I do remember two things. One day, I did my penmanship paper with fancy letters instead of straight boring ones. I was incredibly proud of my curly-q letters until my teacher told me I should just do them the regular way next time. I had worked really hard, and my letters looked so pretty. I already knew how to do normal letters, and I thought my teacher would be so impressed. I still remember being disappointed at her less than enthusiastic reaction to my creativity. I have to give her credit for being kind and complimenting me before telling me to do it the regular way next time.
I also remember the day we made a frog out of construction paper at school. Mine turned out weird, apparently because I did not follow directions. I felt bad about my poor ugly frog, but I was mostly sad that I disappointed the teacher for not listening.
I also remember seeing the words “sensitive” and “conscientious “ many times on report cards. I somehow knew what it meant. I came to hate those words as a child, and I still cringe when hearing them. Usually sensitive meant “too sensitive” and I hated being compared to other kids. I didn’t want to be the bookworm or the geek. It was embarrassing to me. I wanted to be like other people, yet I didn’t like the restrictions of rules that didn’t allow for individuality.
It is actually quite insightful to see how many of those early observations foretold my personality as an adult. I hate following recipes. I don’t like following instructions point by point- I like to be guided in the right direction with the flexibility to make something “my own.” On one hand, I want to fit in and be accepted and integrated into my world, but I hate being confined.
My medical chart lists my type of ADHD as mixed/combined, but I think I am more inattentive than hyperactive. I do get restless easily, and find it hard to sit still without fidgeting. At work I am the happiest when I can be physically moving around and active. I usually have several projects going on at once, and when one project is ending, I need to know what I can work on next. Boredom is my number one enemy. I need to keep my brain actively doing something meaningful or enjoyable, or I get very anxious. Most of this restlessness is internal vs. me being loud or physically rambunctious. This makes what others see on the outside very different than what I feel on the inside. I try so hard not to let my inner busy-ness show that I may appear quiet or distracted. It takes a lot of energy to do everyday tasks because my brain has at least 2 or 3 channels playing at once.
Imagine yourself trying to concentrate on a task while having your child tugging on your arm and the phone ringing. We all have the ability to multitask to a certain degree, and sometimes we do it on purpose. People with ADHD are able to focus, but they are not able to control when they can focus, or if they hyperfocus, or if their focus quickly wanders to another place, leaving them with a “ oh look, a chicken” moment.
This is true for me when I am playing the piano in church. I can be focused one minute and then distracted by someone’s movement or a sound I hear. I can loose my place in the music score and quickly have to get back on track, before I make a bunch of mistakes. I really have to focus so I can keep in sync with the other musicians and the congregation.
Another area this shows up is in conversation with others. I try to listen, but my mind often wanders in the middle of the chat, requiring me to ask the person I am conversing with to repeat herself. This happens often and can be embarrassing. On the other hand, I can be super focused on something, and can do a big project without feeling overwhelmed, as long as it is something really important to me.
I try to schedule important things at a time of day when I tend to be most focused. This doesn’t always work, but it does give me a better chance of being my best if I don’t schedule an important event when my focus tends to be low. (For me, mornings are better than afternoon, and late evening is better than early evening.)
So, ADHD can be a contradiction in terms! Not focused, variable focus, hyper-focus- we can do all three! But we can’t always control which level of focus will be prominent at any given moment.
What works for you? Do you find yourself going in and out of focus?
I would love to hear your story- leave a comment, and I would love to chat with you (I’ll try not to daydream too much….)
Elaine