The only state I have lived in is Michigan. One thing about living in this mitten-shaped state is that we experience all four seasons. We get a nice hot summer followed by cooler autumn. Autumn, or Fall, in Michigan is beautiful. Our trees show off so many vibrant colors. People drive around for hours going on “color tours.”
Winter is snowy and cold, but the sight of the sun shining on ice covered branches is breathtaking. As much as I hate the cold, the pattern of a single snowflake is exquisite. Ice skating on a frozen pond, sliding down a steep hill on a toboggan crammed with as many kids as possible, building snowmen and making angels in the snow- these are some of my fondest memories. As I get older, I do not appreciate winter that same way. Winter means shorter days, hazardous driving conditions, defrosting the car windows and shoveling snow- not my favorite things.
Spring is my favorite. Winter seems to last forever, and then you see the tiniest little flower burst through the thawing soil. I have a tiny yellow daffodil that comes first. Seeing it makes me smile every time. I marvel at this first sign of Spring. Spring signals the start of new life, the revival of things that seemed dead. I have a flower garden that gets a little bigger each year. My husband and kids buy me perennial plants for Mother’s Day. If the plant survives the initial season and shows up again the next spring, it is a hearty plant indeed. I am not a green thumb by any means. I love the thought of spending time in the flower garden, keeping it neatly manicured and adding in my favorite garden decor. Unfortunately, I am not as faithful to the process as I wish to be. One can only try….
I am not particularly fond of fall. There are many really great things about fall in Michigan, though. The trees are beautiful. The smells of autumn are great- pumpkin, spices, the smell of leaves, bonfires with s’mores. Hay rides on an old hay wagon pulled by a farmer’s tractor. Trips to the pumpkin farm where you can buy homemade donuts and drink warm or cold freshly pressed apple cider. Kids love playing in a big pile of leaves, and coming home with a pumpkin to decorate for our annual pumpkin festival. One would think fall should be my favorite.
But I dread the end of summer every year. I start grieving the long, sunny days of summer, when you can stay outside until 9 or 10 playing volleyball. I start to feel a bit of a panic- oh no, here it comes! But why do I dread a season filled with so many great things?
One word- sunshine. I need it. I crave it. I miss it when the rain clouds block it out. My spirit sinks just a little bit lower, my energy level depletes more quickly. I feel a sadness like a friend has gone on a long trip. I know she will come back, but I lament her temporary absence.
It’s not like the sun doesn’t shine every day. It’s just harder to see, harder to feel, harder to sense. So if I don’t see it, does it stop existing? If I can’t feel it, has the sun lost its flame?
When God seems less obvious, when He seems farther away- can I remember He is still there? Do the clouds in life block our view? Do we keep the shades pulled down, disallowing the light to come in? Do we hide ourselves away so that we don’t need to squint or shade our eyes from His light, on days when we just feel dark? Is it possible that we don’t want to let His light find us?
Sometimes I just want to stay in the dark. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to keep holding onto things like resentment or anger. Sometimes I’m just ticked off about something. I have a bad attitude. And I want to keep it for awhile, thank you very much. I don’t feel like feeling good. I clench onto my feelings white-fisted as if they are some kind of prized possession.
Then I remember. I contemplate the outcome of hanging onto dark thoughts. Where will this road take me? Not a road I want to travel on. So I choose to open the shades and let the light shine into that dark space. It takes a lot of effort. I have to use the tools and resources that God has provided to grab that knot at the end of the rope and pull. And when I realize that God reaches down to me to lift me up, I know all it takes is for me to reach up to Him. He was standing there all along, just waiting for me to decide.
More about this next time.
Trying to fall in love with Fall,
Elaine