Meltdowns are not only for kids

I’ve been arguing with myself all day long about writing this blog post. I want to write about happy things, hopeful things. This is a place to come for encouraging words, maybe even a good laugh or a smile.

I wish I didn’t feel so compelled to be this honest with you, but I do.

My summer started busy, and I had a great 2 weeks of summer school and 1 week at ADHD camp (more about that later). I anticipated that the rest of the summer would be awesome as well. I had 1 day off and then it was off to another camp for 14 days. I arrived safely and after 5 days it happened. I had a meltdown.

This is really embarrassing to admit. I should be stronger, more in control of my emotions.

I should be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Well, my cape must have malfunctioned, because instead of leaping, I hit the wall.

No, I didn’t yell or throw myself on the ground. I cried. Yep, I’m a crier. I couldn’t stop crying. I was over-tired, I was homesick, and I felt overwhelmed. I had the choice to stay longer or come home, and I chose to come home early.

I am big on commitment and fulfilling promises. I had this trip planned for several months. I was looking forward to it. I was proud of myself, I was feeling courageous. It was time for me to spread my wings and fly a little.

Not a super adventurous traveler, I am very content living in a small town. I love going places with my family or friends-but I don’t usually travel alone. Being away overnight by myself does not appeal to me. I would much rather enjoy traveling with someone who I can share the experience with. If given the chance to travel the world, I would not do it alone. I would rather go somewhere less glamorous and be with family. For me, it’s about who I am with, rather than where I am. Planning 3 weeks away from everyone was not usual for me, but I really wanted to go.

Coming home early was a huge disappointment for me. I felt like I had failed. I started the summer on such a high note, and this left me questioning myself. Maybe I’m not as brave as I thought I was. Maybe I haven’t progressed as much as I thought. Maybe I shouldn’t have left that safe place after all.

Fear is a powerful thing. It keeps you hostage. It tells you- “See! I told you that was a dumb idea, who do you think you are?” It makes you second guess yourself, or even worse, it tells you to stop trying at all.

Arriving home, I went from having a very busy schedule to just being home. It gave me lots of time to overthink. Even though my brain told me it was okay, my emotions got the best of me. I was still tired, and now I was tired and emotional. Not a great combo. How am I going to explain why I came home early? This is embarrassing. Past experiences raced through my mind like a documentary, reminding me of failures, real or perceived.

I’m still processing things. I know God had a plan for those 5 days, and I know He also gave me direction in coming home early. I have to trust in God’s plan and timing, not in my feelings. I have to let myself feel the emotions of the moment, but not stay there. That’s the hard part- trusting God and experiencing His peace when you don’t understand.

Is it easy for you to trust God when things don’t make sense? Have you been able to let go of the past so you can move confidently into the future? Can you see things through the eyes of God and His promises?

I am learning, and learning is a process. Lord, I trust you, even though I don’t understand. Help me to continue to follow your lead, even when I don’t know how it’s going to turn out.

Putting my cape back on,

Elaine